Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
“Should” You Be a Better Learner?
“Girl Scout cookies! Get your Girl Scout cookies here!” shouted the 2nd grade Girl Scouts from behind their cookie booth. “Ma'am,” one of the girls said to a passerby, “would you like to buy Girl Scout cookies?”
The woman looked apologetically at her and said, “I'm sorry. I really shouldn't.”
The girl, who looked genuinely baffled, responded, “Why?”
In our quest for productivity and self-improvement, we often encounter the word “should.” While it may seem innocuous, this seemingly harmless word can be counterproductive. Here's why:
Places Undue Pressure. When we use the word “should” in these contexts, we measure our behaviors and abilities against external expectations and societal norms. Focusing on unrealistic expectations can lead to frustration and demotivation if and when we fall short.
Confuses Ability with Character. All too often, we attribute one's ability to learn to their character. If a person is able to understand the information being presented to them, they can be perceived as not smart enough, not studious enough, not disciplined enough. This easily:
Distracts from Underlying Issues. When we hear people say, “I'm bad at math” or “I'm a terrible cook,” we desperately want to say, “It's not you, it's the delivery method!” Human beings are a diverse species, including in the ways we digest and absorb different forms of knowledge.
While we're not saying that everyone has to be good at everything, we are saying that certain instructional formats are far too rigid and mismatched for the subject matter they're designed to teach (*cough* written instructions for actions and skills *cough*).
“Should” is a powerful word. It can compel us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions, behave in moral and ethical ways, fulfill our obligations, and identify our desires and frustrations. But it can also carry the weight of judgment, and judgment can shut the doors on openness and curiosity. If we can remain curious about our actions, behaviors, and learning styles, we can focus not on beating ourselves up and instead on seeking out and cultivating alternative pathways for growth.
